The Week in Review

Progress Report

The Week in Review

March 15: Pewter Southpaw vs. Ben Wade, one of Top Rank's fighters. I was worried all week about this fight. Ben is a really tough guy and Top Rank always gives his guys an excellent plan and a great chance to win. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. But as much as everyone keeps telling me otherwise, I am a boxer and I've been known to win in the past. Besides, maybe Ben would miss his bus and I would win by forfeit, so I had to at least show up. Then, once I got there, I didn't have much choice but to fight. I couldn't pull a Ken Shamrock and pull out of a fight because of a little nick on my forehead. So, here's the matchup, there's me, six feet of bones with a thin wrap of skin holding it all together and there's Ben Wade, five feet of bulging muscles. Even his muscles have muscles. If he was green, he'd be a short Hulk. When we touched gloves before the fight he almost knocked me down. I tried not to look scared.

Then came the bell to start the first round. Mr. Wade is trying to work his way inside and pound on me, so I'm on my bicycle and peddling backwards as fast as I can. I try to flick out a jab every now and then to keep him back, but it isn't working. Finally, the bell and I go back to my corner. I can already feel the bruises forming. My arms hurt from plocking his punches. Bronze told me that round was a draw and that I had to pick up the pace. That little runt is asking me why I'm running so much. The commentator says that neither of us wants to stop fighting. I want to tell him that I do. Uh oh, there's the bell for round two. More pain. Again, he's trying to get close so he can break my ribs, so I'm running backwards and throwing a few jabs to try to keep him away. When the round is over, I have even more bruises and Bronze tells me that round was a draw, too. I want to tell him I'm just trying to stay alive, but the bell rings and I have to go out for some more torture. Round three was a repeat of the previous two rounds, but I swear, he's hitting me harder. At the end of the round, all the running has caused me to work up a good sweat, but the pace doesn't seem to be bothering Ben much. To make things worse, Bronze is getting mad. He says I lost that round and that I'm behind. "Pih uh duh payss", he says. Huh? Round four. I'm starting to think a career in journalism is not such a bad idea. I take Bronze's advise. Maybe if I hit him harder he'll stop hitting me so hard. Not true, at the end of the round my bruises were developing bruises. I snached up the watter bottle and took a good hard drink. I looked over at Ben and he's just standing around like hes in line to buy groceries. I don't even think he had broken a sweat yet. And Bronze says, "Dass bettuh, gimmie anuthuh roun liy dat!" He's gotta be kidding. He's probably mad at me for winning that round. Well, I'll give it a try. Maybe he'll knock me out and end the beating. I couldn't be so lucky. My arms and shoulders were screaming in pain. He might not be landing a lot of scoring punches, but I'm really feeling the fourty or so punches each round. At the end of round five, Bronze is beaming. "Yo win'n boa. Key ih uh." I really wish Bronze could talk. I'm glad someone is enjoying the fight. At least Ben has finally broken a sweat. Top Rank was wiping him down in the corner and giving him advice. I go out in the next round and try to make Bronze happy and the beating continues. At the end of the round I'm really getting tired and Bronze says, "U loss dat un. Gih bizzey." Easy for you to say. Here I go out for round seven. Actually, I'm surprised I lasted this long. I'm also wishing it would end. That round hurt even more than any of the others and I can feel myself slowing down. At least Ben is sitting between rounds. Bronze tells me that that round was closer than he would have liked, but that he thinks I won. He says he had hoped I'd have a bigger lead by now, because I wasn't looking too good. He wished he could tell me to just cover up and ride it out, but he still needs me to produce and win rounds. For the first time that I can remember, he actually sounds like a trainer. He even sounds like he knows what he's talking about. But it's still me taking the beating. Out I go for round eight. Only round eight? Oh no. I'm still trying and I'm still taking a beating. When the round ends, my legs feel like they are stuck in cement, but I must have hit Ben with a good shot. He has a bit of a lump above his left eye. Bronze is offering me encouragement between rounds, but telling me that I lost that round and that according to his score card, it's a draw. Bronze hates draws. I really feel like I'm slogging through mud. Ben nails me with a right hand uppercut and I feel my knees give. Somehow I get to my feet by the count of five. We exchange a few more shots and he nails me with a haymaker. This time it takes to the count of six for me to get up. Luckilly, the round ends and I can return to my corner. Get this. Bronze says he is sorry, but I only have three rounds left and I'm down by three. He wants me to knock Wade out. Right. The bell sounds and I slog out into the middle of the ring. I throw a few punches, Ben throws a few punches and then I wake up on my back to the sound of Joe Cortez saying, "FOUR ... FIVE ..." I scramble to my feet by the count of eight and the fight goes on. I don't know why I got up. I guess I'm just a glutten for punnishment. I did manage to land a good combination to Wade's left eye before the end of the round and I could see that it had swollen shut. I could also see that he was obviously tired, but I don't feel like I'm getting any worse. It's probably because I'm just numb from all the abuse. Whatever the case, I'm down by five and going into round eleven. I've been knocked down three times already. He's probably going to finish me right here. Oh no. Whether he's mad because I won't stay down or because I damaged his beautiful face, it's clear that Wade isn't too happy and he's charging across the ring toward me. I'm too tired to get out of the way. This is the end. He nails me with a cross to the jaw and I feel the mat break my fall. somehow I get to my feet by the count of seven. I'm starting to surprise myself. Woops. Another shot to the temple and down I go. I'm woosey and stumbling around, but somehow I'm up by the count of nine. I fire off a couple of shots to his jaw and I can feel my senses comming back. Then POW!!! I hit him with a good shot to the nose and down he goes and he's not getting up. I won by knock out!!! And if he was unpretty before, you should see him now - a serious cut above the right eye and a minor cut below it and it is starting to swell. I'm tired and I have a little swelling above my left eye, but I take time to pose for photos and do Ben's post fight interview with Playboy magazine. I'm such a stud.

American Staffordshire Terrior vs. Duke of Dorkdom's Frank "Enfurter" Esler. She was barking and salavating all week, looking forward to this fight. It was going to be a rematch against her only loss and she wanted to repay the favor of the knockout. Much like my fight, earlier, with Ben Wade, AST is six feet tall and her opponent is only five foot one. She's much stronger than I am, though and already has three knockouts to prove it. This fight also has the taller fighter trying to stay on the outside while the shorter fighter tries to work his way inside. AST isn't running from anyone, though. She is looking good, early and wins the first round easily. Enfurter changes his strategy and starts to look to work from the clinch in the second round with little difference. By the end of round four, she had won all four rounds, but had worked up a sweat while Esler still looked pretty fresh. Perhaps he saw something, because he went back to his earlier tactic and was back on the inside pounding away for round five. He also threw more punches and managed to land enough to take the round. That got him sweating, though. AST's confidence was building. She met his increased production and easily won the sixth round going back up by four. Frank surprised everyone by going all out in round seven. He caught her with a haymaker, knocking her out of the ring. It took her to the count of six to get back in, but she didn't appear to be in bad shape. He then hit her with a rabbit punch (this guy really fights durty). He finished her off with a thundering left to the nose. Not quite the end she was looking for.

March 16: Tooloose Mywallet Has had a rough time during the last few weeks and it didn't seem to be getting any better with this week's match up against A Nice Warm Glass Of Shut The Hell Up from The Coroner's camp. This guy likes to pull his opponent close and bang on them until they give up. We didn't see any reason for him to change this just to accomodate us. Tooloose was confident that he had the power to hurt A Nice, but we want our guy to have a nice long career, so we are trying to keep the abuse to a minimum. So we told him to go out, keep his distance and win the early rounds with his much-imporved foot-work. When he got a comfortable lead, he would be able to take a round off here and there so as not to get tired. Hell Up played right into our plans. We won the first few rounds without having to put forth too much effort. Then My Wallet was able to take some rounds off and win some others. When the twelfth round came up, Tooloose had a five point lead. We were sure The Coroner wasn't going to let his guy just roll over, so Tooloose was lookng for the all out when it came. A mighty left cross to the jaw ended Hell Up's dissapointing evening.

March 17: Fred "Stilts" Cannon was matched up against another tall guy from The Coroner's gym. Where does he find these guys? This guy calls himself Billy Holydaze. Bronze was callng him Holland Craze all week to try and keep the atmosphere light. Stilts was really afraid of this guy. when Holland (see, he's got me doing it) started dancing around the ring, Fred went nuts and left the plan right away. What whas he thinking fighting on the inside? He's gonna get his bell rung. That's what he did, though up close and personal for both of the first two rounds. I think he lost it. He settled down and used the clinch as we recommended in round three. We had already lost the first two rounds and it looks like our guy was taking a pounding. Stilts continued clinching and working the body (and losing rounds). He won the fifth, but only because Billy took that one off. At our urging, Cannon picked up the pace in round 6. He didn't need to, though, because Billy took that one off, too. We were still down by three and urging Fred to leave it in the ring. He was clinching and throwing punches and Billy was resting again. Holydaze woke up in the eighth and took that one Stilts had a good sweat going and Holydaze still looked fresh. This wasn't going at all like we practiced. Then Stilts took round nine off and danced around the ring. We managed to straighten him out between rounds and he was back clinching in the tenth. Billy won that one, too and we were down by five going into the 11th. At our urging, Stilts went all out looking for a late round KO. He hardly phased his opponent, though, who still out pointed him in the round. Cannon was trying to live up to his name in round 12 going for broke and broke is what he got. He went down twice before he stayed down for good. Bronze says he doesn't have time for loosers. If Fred "Stilts" Cannon doesn't win next week, he's out.

Tallon vs. Bill Badmann, one of Paz McCay's boys. This was a classic boxer/brawler duell with the taller Tallon working his jab from outside and the shorter Badmann working from the clinch. Tallon won the first two rounds and Badmann switched to working inside and Tallon tried his luck at counter punching. The tactic seemed to work wonderfully for him and he took rounds three, four and five. Badmann was really cutting him up, though. Both fighters had begun to sweat and they were both into this one. Bill switched to clinching again and the counter punching Tallon lost that round because he didn't throw enough punches. We gave Tallon round seven, but it was close. We were asking him to move back outside and work his jab because these rounds were too close, but he wasn't listening. Badmann was working from inside again in round eight and caught Tallon with a slow motion cross that put him down for a six count. With the close rounds earlier and a 10-8 round in the eighth, we told Tallon that he needed to pick it up and stop being so sloppy. He was obviously tired and I don't think he was listening. He was still counter punching when Bill Badmann put him down three times in the ninth. When he was able to get to his feet, he announced that win or lose, he was going to retire after next week's fight.

Basasrorytaugh vs. D. Blak Horse: from The Coroner's gym. We're still trying to figure out what D. Blak Horse said to Basasrorytaugh when they were coming into the arena tonight but whatever it was really pissed our guy off. He could hardly weight for the bell to ring to start the fight. He raced across the ring and lit into Horse with no apparent interest in defending himself. He went down from a cruel left smash and was right back up swinging another viscious blow to the temple put him down for good. Bronze is considering pulling the plug on this guy, too.

March 19: Bronze Southpaw's first fight at light flyweight is against Timo Boll from the Top Rank gym. They just can't get enough of him. This is another of those boxer/brawler matches where Bronze has the role of Boxer It's a role he is very familiar with. As expected, Timo was tired of the inside fight after the second round and he changed his tactic to clinching and throwing a lot of punces. This is a tactic used by Top Rank's brawlers that still confuses Bronze He says they fight like octopuses (you should hear him say octopuses). He was back working inside for round four and Bronze gets that round. Boll continued to alternate inside hard and clinching octopus through round eight. Bronze was still up by two rounds and he did something very uncharacteristic. When Timo came in for the the octopus clinch, Bronze went all out on him. Timo won the round, but he had a look of surprise on his face as he snatched up the water bottle and sucked it down. Timo was clinching and flainling in round ten and Bronze was throwing leather, too. we had to give a slight edge to Timo in that round which brought the fight even. This had turned into a boxing match and Timo was holding his own. For some reason we don't completely understand, Bronze went back to dancing and let the slapping octopus win rounds eleven and twelve. When asked why, Bronze said he thought he was winning. He's the only one who saw it that way, however, and Timo won a close decision that Bronze let slip away.

Top Rank Terminator vs. goober from the bugrott gym. Top Rank Terminator watched tape on goober all week. I think he watched every minute of every fight. I've never seen anyone scout so hard. And his opponent was goober. All he has to do is throw one of those sledgehammers in round one and call it a night. The bell rings and goober comes out flailing his arms as usual, but Terminator does not put him away. He presses his head up against goober's chest and tosses a couple of light jabs at his opponent's face. goober took the round and the next and the one after that. Terminator kept giving up rounds and goober kept flailing away. He was standing and being wiped down at the end of two, sitting on his stool sucking water after three and obviously tired after four. He was slowing down after five and Terminator was still not fighting. goober kept throwing everything he had and looked exhausted after seven. Poor goober needed medical attention from his corner just to make it into the twelfth round. Before he could even start to flail, Terminator was on him throwing the hardest bombs I've ever seen right into the ribcage. goober was confused, glassy-eyed and tied up in the ropes. Mills Lane had no choice but to stop the fight and ask for a vaccuum to clean up what was left of goober.

Bronze Southpaw Jr. vs. Ephedrine Junkie: With a win against this guy from The Coroner's camp, they younger Bronze could secure the gym's record for best undefeated start. His dad was so choked up before the fight that he was unable to attend. That left me and Tallon to work the kid's corner. Talk about an up hill battle; Junkie already had a rating advantage. Though Ephedrine was the much shorter fighter, we didn't expect him to come out brawling. This was going to be a good old fassioned boxing match. Ephedrine took an early lead; winning the first two rounds. By the end of round two, he had thrown more than 150 punches. Junior stayed patient, knowing that Junkie would tire if he tried to keep that pace. Ephedrine picked up the pace, throwing more than 100 punches in round three. Tallon leaned over to me during the round and asked, "Is that kid on drugs?" I just laughed. Junior was down by three, but it was clear, as The Coroner wiped him down between rounds that Junckie was not going to be able to maintain the pace. He backed off a bit in round four; throwing only 85 punches and Bronze was able to out score him. You should have seen the smile on our kid's face when we told him we thought he had finally won a round. Then Junkie surprised us; becoming the brawler and fighing on the inside. This didn't seem to bother Southpaw as he easily won another round and then another. With just one round in his pocket, Ephederine went back to boxing and jabbing. He threw nearly a hundred punches in round seven and it was really close. We gave the round to the kid because we were really pulling for him, but to be honest, we weren't sure the judges were. Junkie was up over 100 punches in round eight and Junior clearly landed the cleaner crisper punches. Now we had him in the lead, but there was a round that could have gone either way. Ephedrine was obviously tired and it looked, from our point of view, that it was Junior's fight to loose. We just had to keep his head in it With a three round lead going into the eleventh, Junior let up a little and started putting on a show for the crowd. What the hell, he's young. But we gave him a good talking to in the corner and told him to go out and win round 12. He didn't listen. He clowned his way all the way to an easy decision win. The kid is good, but he still lacks discipline.

Harvey Fierstein vs. Tiny Terror from The Coroner's gym. Harvey did his best to ware down this imp. It was very clear early on that he was too fast for Fierstein. Terror had not trouble winning rounds. When he felt he had a comfortable lead, he took a few rounds off. Then he picked up the pace again. Harvey had had enough and, down by two, he went all out in round nine. Terror was waiting and put poor Fierstein down three times before the referee stopped it.

Paul "Stumpy" Buniuns vs. Richard "Doctor" Kimble: This guy from the Demise gym has really had it rough lately and it wasn't going to get better against Stumpy. He was still mad about his recent losses. Stumpy worked his way inside and ended Doctor's night early with a haymaker in round one.

Straw Southpaw vs. JAMES GOLLING: This supposed to be the wonderful debut of Straw Southpaw but it turned out to be an easy win for Angee. His guy, JAMES came in and dribbled Southpaw off the mat for four rounds before straw could no longer get back up. What a pitty.

March 20 Steve Erkle got a rare match against someone from Eddy Crown's gym - Roland Alphonso. This means he was not only representing the Bronze Southpaw gym, but also The U.S. West. The pressure was indeed on for this battle of boxers. Steve easily took the first two rounds against the clinching alphonso and took the third one off. Roland switched to working inside, but Steve took another round. Alphonso went back to clinching as Erkle took round five off. This back and forth continued through round ten. At that point, Erkle was slowing down and Alphonso was obviously tired. Eddy told his guy that the time was ripe for the all out. Erkle went down to a right and struggled to his feet only to be floored by a left cross to the jaw. Somehow he beat the count and put Alphonso down with a left to the nose. He got up and they scuffled back and forth before Erkle could land a right hook to end it. That's how the West was won.

March 21: Erkinwhine took on The Coroner's Emerald Dal. We spent hours trying to figure out how to take on this monster. As many of you know, when you are tall, you can use your height against your opposition and often dance your way to a win. But you get used to this and it is different when your opponents are near to you in height. This was our delima. To make matters worse, Dal has a rating advantage and a few attributes on Erk. In the end, we just told him to do whatever he thought might work and we wouldn't blame the loss on him. Of course, Bronze as said that before and he still expects success. Erkinwhine's choice of tactics was something for the Guinis book and he pulled it off. No color commentary can do this fight justice. It must be seen to be believed. Erk might be six foot two and Dal only six foot, but we've been calling this fight the munkey vs. the organ grinder. Erkinwhine is all out and throwing every thing he's got every round. Emerald is throwing close to a hundred punches per round and resting when he can. Dal takes a lot of punnishment, but goes down in round nine and twice in round ten to give Erkinwhine a rare KO victory. I don't imagine anyone will see a fight like this one in a long time.

Erkinwhine's victory was just what we needed to finish the week at .500. Not really impressive unless you consider that only two out of fourteen fights were not KOs. This has led Bronze to ask that the progress report be put on hold for a while until he has made his own evaluations of the members of this gym and some of our careers. I'm not sure I like the sound of that ...