Name: No one knows, or cares

Age: Can't remember

Weight: Between 290 and 320 lbs. depending upon last week's beer consumption

Occupation: Barfly

Best Friends: Anyone who buys him a drink

Favorite Meal: Peanuts from the garbage can, beer from ashtrays, all you can eat BBQ hot wings

Expert On: The sting of mace, the underside of the bar, belching

Sources of Income: Sperm Bank, Blood Bank, Pawn Shop

Jobs Created: Holding a position in line at the men's room

Past shames: Mistook phone booth for a urinal, Head stuck in toilet for 24 hours

Accomplishments: Mastered the finger to nose test, Can walk heel to toe regardless to state of consciencenous. Can follow a pencils motion without focusing

Near Death Experiences: Drank until his heart stopped with his lips locked on the beer tap. Got stuck under taxi after falling off the curb