Heavy T and The Big Boys

A NEW CHAMP TAKES HIS THRONE

It's been an ugly last few weeks for Heavy T and The Big Boys Commentary. And we're not limiting that description to the performance of Ty's fighters in the ring (although it is accurate).

Infamous Big Dawg Boxing promoter Vinny LaPasta has been found in the Alps, of all places. LaPasta made a small fortune promoting a pair of heavyweight championship bouts between Balrog's Conn Cornwall and DoD's Gerhardt Maitiu. Cornwall put together a pair of gutsy performances to win his first-ever world title, and then successfully defend it. That, of itself, was a tremendous story, given Maitiu's dominance of the division for the early part of the year.

However, Heavy T and The Big Boys was the first to break the story that Maitiu and Cornwall were reportedly half brothers. The news was undeniably leaked by Vinny LaPasta, who allegedly had two DNA tests to confirm the men were both sons of the great Carl "Cornhole" Cornwall. It even appeared that one of Cornwall's mistresses (and Maitiu's mother) was in Conn's corner for the rematch.

"Yes, yes, yes. It was all a farce," said LaPasta from his palacial estate in the foothills of the mountains. "They're not related at all. Pulling this off was little more than a 50/50 proposition. I mean I paid $50K a day to a 50-year-old hooker, and she pretended to be Maitiu's mom. That horndog Cornwall bought the whole thing. So did the boxing public. I think Maitiu was suspicious, but the guy has been hit in the head a lot. Now, I'm filthy rich, and I love it."

After taking the title and defending it, Cornwall ran into a buzz saw in Suxel's Mario de la Mare. Cornwall had previously beaten de la Mare twice (in January and again in July), but this fight was different. Suxel's man has been ripping opponents to shreds since losing to Cornwall in July. He's now won 5 in a row - all by KO - against the best managers in the game (DoD 3 times, Balrog, and psmith17).

It was scary how quickly de la Mare was able to end the fight. de la Mare worked the body consistently, pounding Cornwall's abdomen and solar plexus, which were spotted with what appeared to be pimples or an odd form of grown man's diaper rash. At any rate, all 3 judges had him ahead by a point entering the 10th and final round. However, Suxel didn't call off his man. de la Mare went all-out in the 10th and dropped the champion twice. Cornwall stood like a champ until the bell halted the round, but a nasty cut was opened below his right eye. That same eye swelled shut between rounds, causing referee Joe Cortez to stop the fight, giving de la Mare 34-9-1 (29/2) the TKO victory. Cornwall fell to 29-4-1 (18/2).

"I don't know what to say," Cornwall told the press. "If Vinny paid $50K a night for that woman, then I got almost every penny out of her. Problem is, I had the title for almost three weeks, and now it's gone. This rash will stick around a bit longer. Six to eight weeks is what the doctor has told me."

"I'm just focused on the rematch," said de la Mare, who spent most of the post-fight press conference trying to sanitize his hands. "Cornwall's a good fighter, and I'll give him a rematch immediately. I plan on evening the series at 2 wins apiece and keeping my title."

Heavyweight Fight Previews - September 11, 2010

Balrog's Conn Cornwall 29-4-1 (18/2) vs. Suxel's Mario de la Mare 34-9-1 (29/2)

de la Mare gives Cornwall a rematch for the heavyweight world title. Should be a better fight this time around, although de la Mare now has the +1 rating advantage.

Prediction: Madelyn "The Coyote" says .... I'm excited to see this fight, especially now that it's been given the proper hype. I like Suxel to pull it off again, but that's only a lean. This matchup is typically right up Balrog's alley. Result: TBD.

FIGHT #2

Ty's Fart Smeller 17-1-0 (15/1) vs. Fists' Rosco P. Coltrane 22-7-1 (18/4)

Unfortunately, the glut of heavyweight fighters that were filling the gap between rating 17 and the champs at rating 25 is gone. That leaves Ty's powerful slugger Fart Smeller (the reigning U.S. Midwest champ) and Balrog's Tal Tolnoy who is 19-2-5 (8/1) and idle this week, as the next-highest rated active fighters.

It appeared as if Fart Smeller would get a challenge from Weaver's slapper Bobby Brimstone as of Sunday night. However, Brimstone reportedly was unable to muster a wizz for the pre-fight drug screen. Off the record, Weaver stated that Brimstone had been pissing down his leg for the last 3 days, and he was unable to produce even a squirt in the locker-room for the BDB officials.

Instead, Fists has stepped up to the challenge (or maybe he backed into it). Rosco P. Coltrane, who is an impressive slugger in his own right, will face Ty's Stinky S.O.B. Fists was none too excited about the match-up, especially given his man's -1 rating for the fight.

"I like to spar, but it's not taking me much time to figure out how this fight is going to go," Fists said. "Rosco is all balls, and he's gonna give it a go, unlike that Brimstone punk."

Fart Smeller was quick to retort. "This will be my last U.S. Midwest title defense," he said. "I hope to take Rosco out pretty early. I'm gonna enter the ring in some shorty-shorts, then give him a Dazzy Dukes treatment that he will remember for a long, long time. Following that victory, I'm going after Tal Tolnoy next week."

Prediction: Jacob "The Jammer" says .... Any time my gym mate gets in the ring, I'm picking him. I have no choice. I weigh 100 pounds (in BDB land anyway) and Farty will eat me if I don't pick him. Result: TBD.

FIGHT #3

Cheez The DKE's Mousepad With Wings 13-3-1 (10/1) vs. Big Boy Inc.'s Marie Miranda 13-3-1 (2/0)

This one should be another great match-up between the two best and the two most active managers in the U.S. East. The two fighters have met each of the last two weeks for the regional heavyweight title, and that is what is at stake again this time. Mousepad With Wings took a very close, yet unanimous decision from Marie Miranda on Sept. 4, 115-113, 114-113, 114-113. Their first fight ended in a draw (one judge gave it to Mousepad 115-113) the week prior.

Mousepad is your standard tough guy slugger, 5-9, 231. Miranda goes 6-5, 227. Slugger meets slapper with two very good managers and a regional title on the line. A great fight in Vinny LaPasta's comeback effort.

Prediction: Nicholas "The Hammer" says .... I'm a slapper at BDB, so I generally pull for the lanky fighter with the better reach. However, Mousepad has the extra rating point here. I expect it to be very close again, but I'm leaning to Cheez the DKE's fighter. Result: TBD.

Heavyweight Fight Reviews - August 14, 2010

CECMY/DoD's Loyal Royal Guardsman XXV 27-6-4 (12/3) vs. Suxel's Mario de la Mare 31-9-1 (26/2)

With his top-drawing bout on hold this week, Vinny LaPasta did his best to put together a top-notch card for a pay-per-view this week. While ratings were down a bit, Vinny still had plenty of buys for the show, and his fans were far from disappointed.

In an exciting finale, Mario de la Mare recorded a 12th round knockout of DoD's Loyal Royal Guardsman XXV. This one had the makings of a great slugger/slapper matchup and it lived up to the billing.

LRG XXV dominated the early rounds, with de la Mare content to pound the body and wear down his opponent. The key moment in the bout came in the 8th round when de la Mare went all-out and scored a knockdown and earned a 10-8 score of the round. The fight was already close on the scorecards and that seemed to tilt the scoring further in his favor. LRG XXV ra